Ezekial 18 – Sins of the Father

I have been listening through Ezekial this month and chapter 18 stuck out to me. Sometimes I wonder if I have to pay for the sins of my father or if I raise a son who defies God, will I have to pay for his sins. I’ve always felt we’re responsible for ourselves but God’s Word and His clarification on the subject really meant a lot to me this week.

Ezekial gives this list of sins several times in this chapter but to save time I’ll list them here.

1.       Violent

2.       Shedder of blood

3.       Eats upon the mountain

4.       Defiles his neighbor’s wife

5.       Oppresses the poor and needy

6.       Commits robbery

7.       Does not restore a pledge

8.       Lift up his eyes to the idols

9.       Commits abomination

10.    Lends at an interest and takes a profit

Ezekial also lists the behaviors of a righteous man, which parallels the list of sins.

1.       Does not eat upon the mountain

2.       Lift his eyes to the idols of Israel

3.       Does not defile neighbor’s wife

4.       Does not oppress anyone

5.       Restores to the debtor his pledge

6.       Exacts no pledge

7.       Commits no robbery

8.       Gives bread to the hungry

9.       Covers the naked with a garment

10.    Withholds his hand from iniquity

11.    Withholds his hand from injustice

12.    Executes true justice between man and man

13.    Takes no interest or take a profit

14.    Obeys my rules

15.    Walks in my statutes

16.    Keeps my rules by acting faithfully

Here’s the good news, the lesson for today.

1.       The soul who sins shall die. (vs. 4, 19)

2.       The righteous man shall live. (vs. 9)

3.       The righteous man shall not die because of his sinful son. (vs. 13)

a.        He shall not pay for the iniquity of his son. (vs. 20)

4.       The righteous man shall not die because of his sinful father. (vs. 17)

a.       He shall not pay for the iniquity of his father. (vs. 20)

5.       If the sinful (wicked) turn from their sin, they shall not die and his transgressions shall not be remembered against him. (vs. 21, 27-28)

6.       If the righteous man turns to wickedness, he shall die and his righteous deeds will not be remembered. (vs. 24, 26)

Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? (vs. 23)

For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God; so turn, and live. (vs. 32)

Changed or Convincing

We went and saw my dad at the Yuma State Prison yesterday. We had a good visit with him and had a good five hours spent with him. We all talked, played games, ate vending machine food, and hung out until it was our time to leave.

My dad is a much different person in prison than the one I grew up with. I know he had changed. I have seen a physical change in him. The hardness of his heart seemed to disappear years ago and the anger in his eyes left with it. I really believe he is a changed man and all because God answered my prayer when I asked Him to "put my dad in a place that the only thing he could do was to look to You." I saw the events unfold as God allowed certain things to happen and six weeks later my dad is sitting behind bars and even more angry at the world for all that had happened to him.

About three years later, when I went to visit him after not seeing him for about two years, He came into the waiting room and I could physically see that all the emotions, anger, and frustrations that I had seen in him all my life seemed to be gone. He really looked like a different man. One who was at peace with God.

But there is still a part of me that doesn't trust him. How much of it is an act and how much of it is real. He talks about the Bible studies he conducts, how much he reads and studies his Bible, and a synopsis of the Gospel that he's been working on for fifteen years and trying to get published. Maybe it's real for where he is because it's really all he can do. I actually had the impression this last visit that he thinks he's better than other prisoners because he's active with reading, studying, and praying while they just whittle their time away watching TV and sleeping. Maybe he's just saying it's better to be active than laying around.

I think the true test of his change would be if he kept this up if he was to get out. Would he be as devoted as he claims to studying God's Word if he was on the outside? I realize that it would not be possible since he'd have other distractions of life, such as: job, family, friends, etc. My questions are, would he go back to his old life? Would porn suck him in like it did before with it's even easier access and more anonymous methods than it was 18 years ago? Would he go back to his old tromping grounds of debauchery and visit the places he used to? Would he be able to stay strong and and say "no" to sin without the walls and the barbed fences keeping access to it away?

That would be the true test of my dad being "changed" or just "convincing." I pray that he's not the same man that I grew up with and that he's genuine. Otherwise, he's just living the same lie that I grew up with -- super-spiritual and godly on the outside but rotten, self-serving, lying, egomaniac, who could charm anyone to fit any occasion as long as it got him what he wanted.

Is he "changed" or "just convincing?" That my question and only God really knows that answer.

Duty Over Desire

How many times do we do something because we should do something and not because we want to do something? We all have. We do it on a regular basis. 

What if our sense of duty is over-sensitive? What if we feel we should do something but others would understand if we didn’t do them? Or, maybe they wonder why we do it. 

I keep telling my wife that we need to go see my dad. This is not something I WANT to do. It’s something I feel that I NEED to do. As his son, I feel that I have to go. I don’t really like going but I think I should.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my dad. I always will. I actually like seeing him and knowing that he’s doing as well as possible. I just hate going to where my dad lives. I don’t like having to spend more time traveling to and from than the time spent sitting in a visiting room with him. If he lived closer, such as Florence, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to visit him.

Here is the usual trip to see my dad and why I dread it every time. We’ll leave early on a Saturday morning. We spend about three hours driving to the Az State Prison that is south of Yuma, almost into Mexico. When we get there, we park, empty our pockets of everything except ID and about $20 in quarters. We get sniffed by drug detection dogs and then we board a bus driven by one of the prisoners. We go to my dad’s unit and check in. We go through a metal detector, through two steel doors to get to the visiting room filled with tables and chairs, and we wait for them to call him from his cell. 

Depending on our timing, we’ll wait about 15 to 45 minutes for him to show up. It depends if we get there before the changing of the guards. The visitation room is about 100’ by 40’ with a bathroom for guests and one for inmates. You can go outside on the patio (concrete slab with some metal picnic tables) that’s about the same size as the room but it’s surrounded by a 15’ high chain link fence and razor wire on top.

There is usually about 50-75 visitors in the visitation room and concrete slab. Visitation is over at 4pm and so we are usually sitting around a table talking, playing games with pieces missing, reading children’s books, and eating food out of vending machines. We’re not allowed to bring in food or anything else. We’re allowed to bring in $10 per person in quarters to use in the overpriced vending machines but I think the most we’ve every brought in was $30 and it goes fairly quickly.

The kids actually enjoy it, which surprises me. At first, they didn’t realize where they were going or why they had to go through all the security. It was just the place where grandpa lived. We’ve tried to go every six months but it’s been a year now and I’m sure my dad’s anxious to see us. I know the kids want to see him. I wrote a while back that the kids know where he lives and why he’s there. I’m guessing that he’ll get more questions this time.

My dad usually has an agenda about what he wants to talk about. He’s been working on a book for the past 15 years and is in the process of trying to get it published. We started visiting him as a family seven years ago when we moved to Phoenix. We had to encourage him to play and read to the kids. They like playing games with him from the wooden box full of misused games and missing pieces.

So, basically, Tina and I sit there while my kids play with grandpa. On several trips, one of the kids gets sick on the way there or on the way home. A year ago, Aria threw up on my shirt in the lobby while waiting to get in the visiting room. Fortunately, it smelled like the chocolate donut she had just eaten. I didn’t have a clean shirt and I was not going home after that long trip and so I held Aria for six hours in the visiting room until our visit was over.

After our visit, we climb in our car, go through security to be sure we’re not hiding a prisoner, and we head home. It’s just a really long day. We’ve tried different things to make it better, such as driving over on Friday night and spending the night in a hotel and going in the morning. The last few times we’ve done without the hotel because it just bumps up the cost of the trip and it just costs too much money.

Here’s how it boils down. We try to go every six months and I’m glad that we get to see him but every six months when we start planning on when to go, I dread it. It’s just not an enjoyable trip and it costs money that we really don’t have but it’s something that I feel I need to do, that I should do, and so I go out of duty instead of desire. I’m glad when it’s over because I won’t think about going for another six months. In the end, I’m glad I go and the kids are glad they see grandpa, and I’m thankful to Tina for putting up with it all. 

Is it bad to do something you should do out of duty instead of desire?

Should I feel bad about not wanting to make that trip to Yuma more than twice a year?

Should I feel guilty that I don’t see him more than twice a year?

My Dad Called Today (8-11-12)

Yep! It's been many, many years since he's been able to call and in the past he had to do it collect. Now the prison has set up a way for a prisoner to use a phone card from an account to call. It costs him $1.20 to connect and $.30 a minute.

Is it just me or are dad's intimidating? I just felt uneasy talking with him on the phone. It could be that we just don't have a close relationship. Also, he has certain ideas that I just have not addressed because I'd just rather not address it or let him down.

First, he wrote a harmony of the Gospels years ago that he just thinks is the greatest thing and he uses it in prison and he's been working on trying to get it printed. He keeps asking what people think about it, especially family. He probably thinks I've read it but I haven't. I've sent it electronically to family and he thinks he'll get great reviews from them but they've never responded about it and I've never asked.

Second, he thinks I've been calling the Dept. of Corrections to get him moved closer. I have not because when I wrote about it a couple years ago they told me it didn't work that way. I'd like him closer but I've not gone out of my way to make it happen.

Third, he thinks he'll get out at 75 years old, in about seven years. I believe he's wrong and according to the AZ DOC, I'm right but I'm not going to tell him.

Fourth, I just have mixed feelings. He talks about prayer and Aria's healing and religious things, and I believe he's sincere, but it just seems odd to me coming from him. He acts like a father figure and other things that he's not been for years.

Fifth, when I have told him things, he starts giving unwanted advice.

There may be more but I'll leave it at that.

The Kids Know about Grandpa (my dad)

About a year ago the kids figured out that their grandpa lived in a prison in Yuma, Az. I had taken Haydn to a baseball game and we were gone all night. My wife stayed home with the girls and watched TV, including Mythbusters, one of their favorite shows. The episode dealt with Andy and Jamie breaking out of prison and they were wearing prison garb. My girls asked about what prisoners wear and my wife mentioned that sometimes they also wear orange instead of black and white stripes. My oldest daughter remarks that grandpa wears orange and asked if he was in prison. My wife tells her “yes” and that he was there because he did a bad thing. My wife did not tell me about this conversation.

A couple weeks later I’m driving the kids home from church and my wife’s not in the car. My daughter said something to the fact that grandpa was in prison. My son goes, “what? No, he’s not.” I’m thinking, “Where did they hear that from?”I had hoped that they would figure it out the last time they went to visit him but they didn’t see the signs about it being a prison. They asked me if it was true and I confirmed it but didn’t say why. It’s a shocking thing to learn. I asked Tina about it and she told me how the girls figured it out.

A few months ago, my son kept asking questions about my and how she died. I tried to be vague but he kept pressing. I tried to do it gently letting him put the pieces together. I went something like this. (I’ve shortened it. This conversation was at least 10 minutes or longer.)

                        Haydn – How did your mom die.

                        Me – Someone killed her.

                        Haydn – Do you know who?

                        Me – Yes

                        Haydn – What’s their name?

                        Me – You don’t need to know that?

                        Haydn – Please. I want to know. (He asked several times.)

                        Haydn – Did they catch him?

                        Me – Yes, he’s in prison.

                        Haydn – Good. What’s his name?

                        Me – Do you know anyone who’s in prison for doing a bad thing?

                        Haydn – Yes, grandpa.

                        Me – That’s right.

                        Haydn – Grandpa did it?

                        Me – Yes

                        Haydn – Why?

                        Me – You’ll have to ask him next time you see him.

On several other occasions Haydn has asked me “why?” I usually tell him that dad was a very selfish and self-centered person and he chose to do the wrong thing. I have my own reasons of why he did it but I don’t go into it with him.

Until about a month ago, my daughter’s did not know why he was in prison and I don’t think my youngest even remembers. Again, in the car, my kids were talking and were talking about the Ten Commandments and Suzanna said that they didn’t know anybody who’s murdered anyone. Haydn pipes up and said, “Yes we do, grandpa.” Suzanna was shocked and confirmed it with me because she couldn’t believe it. She’s never brought it up except once when I was tucking her into bed and she said she was scared for mom. I asked why and she said she was afraid that mom would get hurt just like grandma. I had to assure her that grandpa would not do that and that I was not like my dad and that I would never hurt mommy. I promised her that I would never do that to her mommy. I think that made her feel better.

Well, now the kids know where grandpa lives and why. The next visit should be interesting. My guess is that they’ll be asking him a lot more questions than they did last time.

Sin “bringeth forth death” James 1:15

Near the end of 1994, my family saw this verse personified in our family. I had been in Florida about four months and in August my parents drove out Pensacola, FL. My sister was about to start another year at PCC and I was working and hoping to go to school in the future. From what I was told later by my mom’s friends, my dad spent the trip home telling my mom about his filthy life and all the things he’d been doing behind her back. The goal I’m told was to get her to leave. My mom married “for better or for worse.” For 20 plus years, my mom got mostly “for worse” but each year seemed to get worse and by the end my dad wasn’t even trying to hide it any more.

When I wrote Prayer and Fasting (Story 2) I told this part of the story but I’ll summarize it here. My dad’s life of sin led him to murder his wife, my mom. I’ve had people ask my why he did it. I’ve told them that he’d been straddling a fence for so long living in the world but trying to make other people think he was a good Christian that he finally made a choice and fell on the side of sin and caused heartache and suffering for his family. My son has asked me several times why grandpa did that and all I can tell him is that dad was a very selfish person and chose to do wrong. There are many reasons why he did it but it boils down to sin, & sin brought forth a physical death in the way of my mom.

Halloween Night, 1994, my dad called his children to tell us that mom had been found and that she was dead. Tri-City Baptist (TCBC) paid (“Thank you, Pastor Singleton, who loved my mom as if she was his daughter.”) for my sisters and me to fly to MI where my dad had made arrangements to have mom’s body flown so that we could have the funeral there and bury her next to her parents. During the funeral, the “funniest” thing I heard was when the person giving the eulogy said that “I just met Bob, I know that him and Sue had a great marriage.”

We stayed at the home of one of mom’s childhood friends. I remember my sister’s and I talking about, “what if it was dad?” That was not easy to think about but we decided that we had been taught that a person should pay for his crimes and so we determined that we would not hire someone to defend him if he was guilty. A couple days later, all four of us (my dad, my two sisters, and I) flew to Arizona on Sunday to have a memorial service for my mom on Monday night at TCBC. What we didn’t know is that police detectives had flown on the same planes with my dad to and from MI.

As we got off the plane, two detectives arrested my dad but didn’t handcuff him. We were not sure what was going on but a man from our church picked us up at the airport and took us home. My grandparents had driven in from CA for the memorial service and had rented a hotel room because they saw that my parent’s house had been searched by the police and they wouldn’t stay there. I wouldn’t have been able to do that either.

On Sunday night, everyone except me went to TCBC for the evening service. I decided to go to First Baptist because my friends were there that I had not seen in six months. During the service, someone from TCBC came to tell me what happened.

At Tri-City, the church service had started and while everyone was singing, Pastor Singleton was requested backstage. The detectives told the pastor that my dad had confessed to murdering Sue (my mom). Pastor Singleton came to the front, told the congregation, prayed, and dismissed the service. Then someone was sent to tell me. After being told, I went back into the service and told my friends and went to go see my grandparents at the hotel. It was quite an emotional time.

Who would have thought that at the age of 50 years of age, my dad would become a murderer?

Prayer and Fasting (Story #2)

It’s October 1994, I call my parents’ house and reach my mom. She tells me about this great time she had with my dad on their anniversary. I knew things had been rough but I was excited because it seemed things were turning around. I called a couple days later and my mom starts crying when I ask if dad is there. She said, "No, he's out with his girlfriend." I asked, "He told you that?" And my mom just keeps on crying and telling me what's going on. She told me that she had told him that if he didn't stop his unfaithfulness and all the other stuff he was doing that she was going to leave him. 

Now for my mom to say this, I know she was hurting. My dad had been unfaithful to her from almost the start of their marriage but as life went on he became more absorbed in himself and living his sinful life. He always tried to keep up an image of righteousness to us and church but he was far from it and as his kids didn't live in the house any more he didn't have to hide his true self any more. 

What do you say to your mom who's crying and telling her son all that is going on? All I could do was listen and sympathize. When I got off the phone Thursday night, I determined that I would spend the next day fasting until evening. My prayer was that God would put my dad in a place where the only thing he could do was to look to God. Little did I know how God would answer that prayer. I thought of a number of different scenarios but nothing close to what actually happened.

A few days later my dad calls and tells us that mom is missing. The first thing I thought was that this is my answer to prayer. I didn't know how but I knew that this situation was how God was going to work in my dad's heart. I offered to come home from Florida to help find her but he told me to stay put. On Halloween night, my youngest sister, who was also in Florida, and I got a call from my dad saying that they found mom. She was dead. 

My dad had my mom's body flown to MI where she grew up and my family all met up there with my mom's brothers and other family and friends and had her funeral and buried her. We all flew to Az on a Sunday morning. As we were getting off the plane, my dad was arrested for her murder and later that afternoon my dad confessed.

The answer to my prayer was my dad placed in prison so that the only way he could look to was God. The death of my mom and the imprisonment of my dad would not have been my option but God knew that it was the only way to get his attention and to a place long enough that he'd listen. There was a lot of anger from my dad at the wrong people but I truly believe that my dad has repented and is a different person spiritually than he was when he was locked up almost 18 years ago.

I learned to pray for the general and let God worry about the specifics. I knew my dad needed to change and that God knew how to get that accomplished. God knows the big picture and knows the best way to get someone's attention. When you leave the details to God, God's name is glorified.

Couldn't Say "No"

I’m not sure if it’s my personality or my upbringing but I’ve always had a hard time saying “no,” especially to my dad and I could never question him without feeling like I was being disrespectful. There were a few times as an adult that he asked me to do something for him and even though I knew I should say “no,” I did. I didn’t feel like I could say “no” to him. Let me give you a couple examples.

When I left for MC boot camp, I gave my bank information to my dad to take care of my account. When I came home, there should have been money in there. My dad had taken it upon himself to borrow it. Now, he did pay it back right away and I think I expressed my displeasure but I didn’t really say anything. What I did do was when I was activated for Desert Shield/Storm was give my mom my power of attorney to handle my accounts to pay bills, etc. When I came back, there was money in my bank and a detailed account of what my mom did. If it had been my dad, I’m not sure it would be there.

A better example is about six months before my deployment, which I didn’t know about yet, my dad asked me to help him out by moving out of my current place and take over the rent of an apartment that he was renting. He claimed that he had been helping a woman and her kids and he was making them move out. I thought it strange but I took his word for it at the time. I knew it was not a good situation for me but I wanted to help him out. It turned out worse than I thought. After the first three months, my rent jump each month. About 75% of my income was going to rent. I was trapped but was rescued from that apartment by my deployment. When I came back six months later, I found a new apartment and a second job and life was a little bit easier.

About a year later my car broke and I ended up with no car for almost two years. My dad offered to get rid of it for me with someone who he knew would buy junk cars and said he’d give me the money. My dad said the guy only gave him $50. I’d be willing to guess that my dad got a lot more for it than that but who was I to say he was lying.

I should be glad that my dad didn’t ask more things of me. He was too busy doing his own stuff and I was busy working two jobs and hanging out with my friends. I didn’t see my parents much even though they lived less than two miles down the road.

Lessons my Dad Taught Me (part 2)

CONFLICTING STANDARDS  Most of our learning about character, Bible, morality, music, and most other “essentials” of Christian living were taught at church and school and reinforced at home. Although my mom had her faults, like everyone, she modeled what she believed with upstanding Christian character and I thought my dad did also but when all the dust cleared, my dad was all facade and no substance. 

I started to notice this in high school. I’m sure there were other signs but as a kid I didn’t see things or realize what was going on. Plus, my dad was an excellent manipulator and I don’t think anyone knew the extent of what he was into and my mom was not one to question my dad, especially not in front of the kids or her friends, and I doubt she did it in private.

I remember the first time I realized the “disconnect” between what I was taught and what I observed. At the house we rented, I didn’t live in the main part of the house but in the storage/laundry room. I’d have to go out my door, on to the covered back patio, and through the sliding glass door to come inside the house to be with the rest of the family. At night, I’d come into the house to use the bathroom and my dad would quickly change the station. A few times I’d try to see through the curtain what he was watching and there was just enough of a hole to tell that it was not appropriate or at least not up to the standards that I was being taught. 

What occurred to me was, “You teach your kids the highest standard but when you get older, you get to choose where you set that standard.” I’m not sure I thought of it as hypocritical but an adult thing.

I grew up being told that country music was not good for various reasons. I asked my dad what he thought about country music and he said, “Well, a lot of their songs talk about God.” Basically, he was telling me that he didn’t have a problem with country music. Good to know.

HYPOCRISY  About a year after I came home from boot camp and MOS school and was now living on my own, I stopped by my parents’ house and my dad found something in my car that indicated that I was not doing the right thing. He made an off-hand remark but never confronted me or told me I was sinning.

A few years later, I accidentally found out my dad frequented seedy places. I finally understood that my dad couldn’t say anything about my sin because he was doing much, much worse and he’d just be condemning his own sin. Knowing a little about what he was doing did two things. It validated my own sin and I thought, “My dad’s not such a ‘stick in the mud’.” And not that I wanted one at the time, but I lost a spiritual authority figure, someone I could go to for spiritual advice when I became open to that again.