Punishment vs. Correction vs. Training (part 1)

I define punishment as the consequences or what you do to someone for doing wrong. Correction is pointing out “why” it was wrong. Training might involve punishment and correction but the purpose is train or teach someone how to do something correctly in the future.

I want to address these towards dealing with children. Any one of these can be taken to the extreme and you can abuse a child. Punishment can be taking too far and physical abuse can happen, even well-intentioned parents and guardians step over the line into abuse. I think that even correction and training can “provoke our children to wrath (Eph.6:4)” or “exasperate our children” if done incorrectly. Basically, if we frustrate and discourage our children, it’s a form of abuse and disobedient to God’s Word. Any of these done in anger might be considered abuse because it’s not done in love. You might say that you’re not doing any of these things if you’re doing it in anger and you might have a valid argument but that’s not my point here.

Can I make a confession? I want immediate obedience. Is that so wrong? Here’s my problem. I know I could beat it into my children. I realized a long time ago that if I wanted to get immediate, first-time obedience, I’d have to abuse my children. I’d have to make them afraid of me and the consequences of what I’d do to them if they didn’t do what I said, immediately. I’d get what I want but at what cost?

A couple of years ago my wife and I decided that spanking would not be the primary form of punishment and have actually stopped using it, although I have threatened it and have used it once or twice since. Our upbringing has heavily influenced our view of corporal punishment. We both were taught that it is the primary method of discipline and so we used it along with other methods that we found effective. My childhood used spanking but it was not abusive. My wife’s childhood was riddled with multiple forms of abuse that caused scars and bodily damage that affects her health even 15 years later.

Here’s what we realized first-hand when we used corporal punishment.

1.          Using it on our oldest daughter was counter-productive. It actually caused her to be more defiant, angry, and didn’t change future behavior.

2.          It was very easy to let your emotions take over and the attempt at loving discipline turn to anger.

3.          It would have been very easy for spanking to lead to physical abuse. Although unintended, emotions running high, anger creeping in, and a defiant child, spanking was one step (or less) away from becoming abusive.

4.          It only demonstrated that I was bigger and stronger and could force (or beat) my children into submission.

5.          In an attempt to “break her will,” I was wounding her “spirit” and not addressing her “heart.”

I came to a couple of conclusions with the physical use of discipline. I could keep going and “break the will” of my children like I was taught or I could try to direct their wills by using other methods. 

If I “broke their will,” I might get the behavior I wanted but there would be some unintended consequences.

1.          It would only last until they were strong enough to exert their own will without me being able to stop them.

2.          The heart could still be rebellious even though the behavior was controlled.

3.          The motivation to do right was based on avoiding negative circumstances instead of a heart’s desire to do right.

4.          They build resentment and anger in their heart to authority.

5.          They develop a negative self-image.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a place for punishment and it’s usually comes in a negative form but if all I give is punishment, than as a parent, I have failed. There is a place for immediate obedience but there is also a time to help them understand. It seems to me that only using spanking or other physical means of punishment is the lazy person’s method to controlling behavior. It’s easy to force your will on your children physically but it takes time to teach them to control their own behavior because that requires time to do correction (telling them “why” it’s wrong) and energy to train (showing them “how” for self-control).

I want to get more into correction and training at another time and then give some examples of what we try to do. We are far from perfect but we’re learning and prayerfully, we’ll be more effective parents.