Sibling Rivalry

What is it with siblings fighting and annoying one another? At times it seems like it’s non-stop. It seems to be a normal part of growing up with siblings and since I have three children, my wife and I have to deal with this issue, just like anyone else who has more than one child. I just have some thoughts and questions regarding siblings and their interactions with each other.

IS IT NORMAL? Do all children fight with one another? Do all children pick on each other, annoy one another, argue, and basically have conflict with one another? From what I hear, I’d say “yes” but the severity might be different based on different family dynamics.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT? Our initial reaction is to separate them. If they can’t play together, they can go to their rooms and sit on their bed or give them something to do in separate rooms. We’ve even made them hug one another. Our oldest really fights this and refuses to cooperate sometimes. Our son will just go up and hug her waiting for her to hug him but then they start bugging each other by blowing at each other and our son will try to kiss her, which just bugs her to no-end and he just thinks it’s funny. Sometimes it just seems counter-productive but I think it’s a good option and seems to also work as a deterrent when we warn them about fighting. 

I’ve threatened to make them spend more time together and said that I was going to place them in the guest room with only books and games. Our oldest says that she’ll just sit in the closet so she doesn’t have to be near him. I’ve also thought about getting something that we can attach our two oldest together so that they have to do everything with each other. Is that going too far? 

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR? When our kids start getting on each others' nerves, how far do you let it go? Do you stop it right away? Do you wait to see if they come up with a solution? Do you wait until they start hitting, kicking, scratching and crying or when you see blood? It’s been said, “No blood, no foul.” What about the screaming and yelling? Do you let it go on because most of it is just melodramatic to draw our attention to their bickering? For us, sometimes it depends on the situation but we definitely draw the line at physical contact if we see it. Someone usually tells us when this happens.

IS IT HEALTHY? I’ve talked with other parents. I’ve looked back at my own experiences growing up and it all seems very normal and just a fact of life. I watch my own kids and it almost seems that they just can’t help themselves from picking on one another. They each have their own method of being annoying. The only way to make this stop would be for them to never cross paths again.

The reason I ask about it being healthy is I’m wondering how much this interaction is developing their conflict skills. Does it help them learn to deal with difficult people? Does it help them negotiate? Does it help them learn to stand up for themselves and what method is most effective? Is it possible that going through conflict with their siblings helps children in the long-run to deal with conflict with others in the future?

HOW IS THREE A CROWD? I saw this happen while growing up with my sisters. It seems that if there are only two of them, they could be playing really well together but as soon as the third one shows up there’s conflict. It doesn’t seem to matter which pair is together but when someone messes with the eco-system of a pair, chaos ensues. 

DOES IT EVER END? At what age do they start getting along better? Is there a certain age that is more prone to these conflicts and as they get older and mature, they are better able to control themselves, ignore their siblings’ annoyances, or work out their differences?

DON’T GET ME WRONG. I wish I could tell you that my children are perfect and my wife and I can do no wrong in dealing with our children but we’re not. We’re learning. I think that we’re pretty average parents and I know there are areas that could be improved. 

My kids can and do get along but it’s that 10+ % of the time that we wish was down to 0% but that’s unrealistic. We wish we didn’t have to deal with our children’s attitudes and behaviors to one another but we’re learning and prayerfully we can help them learn to deal with their own conflicts with each other.